December Happenings

I can't believe how crazy and busy this month is already. This was definitely not the time of year to move, but I'm happy we're here. Just had to share a few recent pictures . . .
Ryan loves our new front-loading washer and dryer. I love that he loves it; keeps him busy. On this particular day we were washing his favorite blanket so he was REALLY interested!

Emily wanted a Princess Annaliese birthday this year. The only reason this cake even looks halfway decent is thanks to my friend Liz, who must have a cake-decorating gene. Before she came over and rescued it Barbie had her legs straight up in the air -- so improper!

This last picture is from right after Halloween. I had to get a picture of Ryan with his candy. The first few times he was allowed to have a candy he just held it and looked at it. :) I don't think he knew what to do with it.

Today we had a field trip with our homeschool group to a retirement home where we sang Christmas carols and gave cards to the residents. It was so sweet. Well, it was sweet until Ryan crawled under the Christmas tree we were standing next to and activated the "snoring Santa" decoration. I thought I would die of embarrassment. One minute we're singing Silent Night, the next thing I know there's this loud sound of snoring and the whole group turns around to see Ryan on his hands and knees, smiling from under the tree. It was great.

Wow

Emmie surprised me today. We were talking about this drama I'm a part of for our Christmas program and the girls kept asking me questions about it. I told them that the story is about a woman who is too busy with all of her holiday plans to spend any time with God. I told them that it was "really important" to spend some time with God every day. Emmie asked me why, and I told her it was because when you don't make time for the most important relationship in your life, your life "just kind of falls apart". Here was her thought on that.

Emmie: "But mommy, our life already falled apart when baby Isaac died!"

Wow. I was shocked. We had not been talking about Isaac that day or even recently. Plus, I'm sure she never heard us use that term in talking about what had happened. She really surprised me.

Our life really did fall apart when it happened and it's never going to be the same. But like I told Emmie, we never would have made it through and even had some joy on the other side of this without our relationship with our Saviour. He alone is our source of hope and peace!

Finally

My posting lately has been truly PATHETIC. But then I felt better tonight when I realized we have lived in our new home for 9 days and have had company over on 5 of those days! I don't know what we're thinking. Anyway, more posting to come as soon as I download some new photos. Stay tuned . . .

Happy Birthday Emmie!

Happy 4th birthday to my little firecracker! Emmie has been so fun since day one. She is the kid who always cracks us up. She also asks me questions like, "Do pretend bugs have bad dreams?" (Yeah, I'm still working on the answer to that one!)

Calling All Chocolate Lovers!

Found this recipe recently and thought it looked intriguing. I would try it, but with moving I'm not exactly Betty Crocker right now. :)

Chocolate Cake-in-a-Mug

1 - coffee mug (microwave-safe)

4 T. - cake flour (plain, not self-rising)

4 T. - sugar

2 T. - cocoa

1 - egg

3 T. - milk

3 T. - oil

1 - splash of vanilla

3 T. - chocolate chips (Optional)

Add dry ingredients to the mug; mix well with a fork. Add egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in milk, oil, and vanilla, and mix well. Add chips, if using. Put mug in the microwave, and cook for three minutes at 1,000 watts. Cake will rise over the top of the mug -- do not be alarmed. When finished, carefully remove mug from microwave and allow to cool a little. Tip onto a small plate prior to serving, if desired. Yields one generous serving or two "more virtuous" servings.

Three Months

Well, it's the 19th again. He would have been three months old today. My current state of emotional health? Fairly good, I think. I'm sad when I think of Thanksgiving or Christmas and what we're missing with him gone. But I keep remembering that we will see him again someday.

We got the key to our new home today. It was so exciting. I haven't been there yet but Ethan stopped in and turned the heat on. I like how he thinks. :)

Today's conversation with Emmie:

Me: What are you grateful for this year?

Her: God

Me: OH, that's SO sweet honey! What else are you grateful for?

Her: Nothing.

Sigh. What else can I expect from my silly three year old? At least she's thankful for God.

I think we might be making progress on the potty training front. Ryan tried wiping his own bottom while I changed a dirty diaper tonight. It was not helpful. We actually haven't begun training him yet because he's not real interested. Oh well. He's my third kid. I'm not trying to set any records with this one.

Seattle was good. I forgot my camera. We went running the first morning on HILLS. I haven't done that before. Here I was all proud of myself for being able to run with my hubby, but the first time I have to run uphill I age fifty years. Running uphill bites. I'm glad we're moving to a flat town.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to Work We Go

We're off to Seattle this week for Ethan's work. We're going to be working a booth for some Christiam musician's something or other. Okay, really Ethan is going to be working; I'm just there to smile and make people want to come to our booth. :) Works for me!

I feel really bad because we have a baby dedication at church this Sunday and I should be there as the nursery director. But to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I could handle it. This weekend we were planning to dedicate Ryan and Isaac. We did the girls together and it seemed perfect to do the boys together. So . . . that's not gonna happen. It hasn't even been three months yet, and the pain is still fresh. I packed up Isaac's memory stuff today to move to the new house, and I have this irrational fear that I'm going to lose the box in the move or something.

Happier news . . . Allie has her first loose tooth! Of course she's probably going to lose it when we're out of town, but I'm excited for her. She's saving up money to buy a pink, furry Bible cover, so a visit from the tooth fairy should make her pretty excited.

The lease has spoken! And it has said we are in the clear. So take that, rental agency. Aaaaahhhhh, it feels good to be right. :)

Thought I'd post some pics of the new house. Of course, it doesn't have any personality yet because WE haven't moved in, but it will.

I like the kitchen colors.

Not sure the pantry is big enough. Haha.

Ryan looking out the window in the girls' room.

This house came on the market when the deal fell through for the people building it. They had good taste on the inside colors, but what I don't understand is this: they chose a cream colored house with WHITE shutters on the outside! That should be illegal, don't ya think? I absolutely can't wait to get my hands on those shutters. I told Ethan this and he mentioned that we would need to buy an expensive, really tall ladder. Here was the rest of our conversation.

Me: I don't think we need a ladder. I'll just lean out the windows and paint the shutters.

Him: (barely concealing laughter) You will NOT lean out the windows. You'll fall.

Me: I will not fall.

Him: You WILL fall.

Me: What makes you think I would fall? I'll keep more than half of my body inside the house!

Him: That doesn't matter. I know you, and I know you'll fall.

Me: (glaring at him)

Him: There are some people who are good at climbing, and you're not one of them.

Me: What the heck! You don't even know how I climb! I don't even know how I climb!

Him: I just know.

And so on. So apparently I can't climb. Nice to know.

Memory Lane

All of this fun packing has made me decide to run away for a few days. Why not, right? I mean, it's not like we have a deadline or anything to move out. (Well. . . okay, that's not exactly true.) But I have decided to take a mental health break while Ethan's out of town and take the kids to visit Grandpa and Grandma.

Since I'm on their computer, I have to download pictures from their files. I just found a bunch of pictures of the house I grew up in. I lived there until I was eighteen and left to tour with the drum corps. While I was gone that summer, they moved. Nice, huh? (Kidding! Don't feel bad when you read this, mom.)

Here's some of our yard. Yard, yard, yard. Oh, I should mention that these pics were obviously taken on one of those delightfully freezing winter days, so it's not that pretty to look at.

We used to have deer come into our yard and eat the strawberries. It drove my parents crazy. We also had a cow wander through one time that I remember. I used to think I could survive on my own by eating honeysuckle flowers and apples off our trees. (This was when I got mad at my parents and wanted to live outside. I know, so mature.)

Here's the house. This was taken a couple of years ago when the current owners put it on the market.

Well. That's my old bus stop.

And the nearest paved road. Hmm.

My brother and I rode our bikes a lot when we were little. We also rolled down the hill in barrels. We didn't have many neighbors, so we kind of wandered all over the place. It was a good place to grow up.

I promise to answer those questions about our new home soon. Like maybe tomorrow. :)

Movin' Out

We are up to our ears in moving boxers. Boxes, I mean.

Here's how packing with my kids has been going. I put five books in the box. Ryan takes out seven. While I find something else for him to do, the girls decide to make a fort out of the neat stack of boxes up against the wall. I explain that we still need to walk through the house. They don't understand. Then I look at the clock and realize we're late for ballet. I grab my purse and hurry the kids to the car. When I discover no keys in my purse, I ask the girls, "Where's mommy's keys?" and they reply, "Oh, Ryan was putting them in the box that you were packing." Aaaaghh! So it's five minutes of frantically ripping neat strips of tape off three boxes, looking for keys.

I will never move again.

Thought of the Day

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting, 'Wow! What a ride! Thank You, Lord!'

Pumpkin Carriage

Thought we would try something different this year than the traditional jack-o-lantern. Ok, I lie, this was actually my first attempt EVER carving a pumpkin. It was fun.

A few friends came over and we tried to work some magic. Unfortunately these don't look that exciting when they're not lit up. :) To see what we were going for, go to http://www.hallmarkmagazine.com/PROJ_HowTo_FantasyPumpkin

I should have gotten the mice . . .

Elephant

One of my friends has been patiently waiting for me to finish some paintings for her home. I'm happy to say I finally finished the elephant which will go with the giraffe one that has been done for about six months. :) Last to go is a tiger painting, and I hope to have that done before Christmas. Since the colors of the elephant and giraffe are somewhat different, I hope to tie it all together with the tiger.

Thanks for your patience, Sue!

Two Months Old

Isaac's memory box from the hospital.

This is a casting made from his hand and foot. I just love it.

This was his baby blanket that he was wrapped up in when we held him.

The bag holds a lock of his hair, and the ribbon is to show the length from the top of his head to his itty bitty toes. :)

His little feet.

As any mom knows, after your baby is born you have an incredible awareness of their lifespan. When people come up and ask you how old, you can usually answer to the day . . . "oh, he'll be four months old in six days," and so on. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that even when you lose your baby you still think about those moments. That's how it was for me this weekend; I couldn't stop thinking about how he would be two months old today. I was trying to remember what he would be doing . . . probably giving us those sweet little smiles and cooing. He'd be filling out his 0-3 month clothes a little better and not swimming in them.

I really wish he was here.

Costumes

I am kind of new to this Halloween thing as we didn't celebrate when I was growing up. I think we will probably go to Trunk-or-Treat this year at our church. So what are the kids dressing as? Well, I found this for Emmie at Goodwill:

That's right; a Keebler elf costume. I don't know if she is going to go for it. She really wants to be a princess, like she wants to be everyday, but I told her she could walk around with a box of cookies and that seemed to interest her.

We found a pretty angel costume at Goodwill for Allie but it's missing either the halo or wings. I don't know what to do with that, but we'll figure something out. She'll probably be wearing eighteen layers underneath anyway . . . so who knows.

Ryan is going to be a puppy, because that's what I have for his size. He really doesn't care.

I almost forgot, when we were looking around at costumes Emmie found something she just FELL IN LOVE with -- one of those creepy masks from the "Scream" movie. This from my child who is scared of everything, even the "mean people" in Disney movies. She was saying "Oh, isn't it SO cute!" and trying to make it talk. I thought I would die laughing!

Tag, I'm It!

I've been tagged by Alisha. Here are six things about myself:

1. Whenever I'm somewhere I am supposed to wear a nametag, I just make up a name.

2. I have been to all the continental states!

3. I read entirely too much. Just ask my husband.

4. I am not too embarrassed to dance anywhere, at any time.

5. I'm kind of a "land-lubber". Being out in the middle of the ocean is not something I want!

6. I would love to visit the Holy Land someday.

Okay, I tag Bobbi, Liz, and Sue. You're IT!

Choosing a Dog

The day after we got married we bought a puppy. It wasn't the smartest move because we didn't have time to train her. But she was cute and fun anyway. Recently we have been thinking about getting another puppy since the kids have been begging for one. The three breeds we have considered are:

the boxer



the great dane
and the mastiff

We want a sweet dog who will protect the family. I would also like one I could run with in the dark so I feel safe. :) What would you choose and why?

Trouble Uploading Pics

Is anyone else having trouble uploading pictures with Blogger?

I Can't Say How Much

To the precious friends and strangers who have prayed for us. To the ones who have cut our grass, watched our kids, cooked us meals, and helped clean our home. To everyone who donated money to help cover the cost of the funeral and the medical bills . . .

THANK YOU!

We have been touched and overwhelmed by your love. We pray that God will bless you as you have blessed us during this difficult time. Our bills related to Isaac's death have been over $13,000. There's no way we could recover from that without the kindness of several people, some who have remained anonymous. The prayers and the help with everyday "life" things have helped us to heal more than we ever thought possible. We appreciate all of you so much.

Visit to the Cemetary

We picked a place under this enormous tree.

The flowers and angel are from our moms, the sweet note to "Isic" is from Allie.

Headliners

Do you ever see a news story you just have to read? This headline hooked me today:

How About a Double Scoop of Mama's Milk?

PETA proposes that Ben & Jerry's uses breast milk in its ice cream

Yes, PETA has come up with another hair-brained idea. They claim that "cow's milk is hazardous and milking them is cruel", and customers and cows would "reap the benefits" of using breast milk.

HELLO?

If that isn't the most disgusting thing I've ever heard . . . not to mention, is it NOT cruel to "milk" moms?

Bunch of weirdos.

Not surprisingly, Ben and Jerry's will be sticking with cows.

The "Great Rescue" and a Failed Experiment

Sometimes God works in mysterious ways. One week after we lost our baby Ethan started running again. He is training to run a marathon in Isaac's honor. As he was running beside the canal behind our house, he noticed a dog struggling to get out. It looked half-dead, and the water was moving too fast and the sides of the canal are so steep . . . so Ethan knew he had to act fast. He leaned in and tried to pull the dog out, but since the dog was a 180 lb. St. Bernard it just wasn't happening. Also, we know someone who fell in a couple of years ago and needed several people to help him out. So Ethan sprinted back to our house and grabbed a tow rope from his Jeep. It ended up taking about 20 minutes to pull the dog out. The picture below is Max in our backyard where he waited while we tried to track down his owner. (Don't mind our less-than-stellar landscaping!) The poor thing had cut his foot and was just exhausted. Anyway, we finally got in touch with his owner and she was just overwhelmed with emotion. She was so relieved and thankful and cried on the phone. When she picked Max up we found out that he is a therapy dog and had been abused before she rescued him. It was awesome to be a part of their reunion.

I really feel that God put Ethan there that morning for a reason. I don't know exactly how he felt when we lost Isaac, but I know when he held him before they took him away he kept saying "I'm so sorry, son, I'm so sorry." He's always been such an amazing protecter of our family; I can only imagine that he must have felt like he failed Isaac somehow. (Which obviously he didn't, but the feelings are still there.) It was like God put him there to rescue the dog as a way to heal some of that hurt. Isn't He an amazing God?

Part II of the story . . .

So I mentioned that Max had a hurt foot, right? Well, besides bleeding all over Ethan's running shoes, he also got bloody paw prints on our driveway -- right up to the front door. When I looked for information on getting blood off of cement I found more than one "sworn" testimony that this worked:

That's right. "It's the real thing." Only it's not. Not the "real stain remover thing" anyway. (As a side note, I googled coca cola slogans to see if that's still the slogan and guess what? "The real thing" was current back in 1990! I'm behind the times.) It was great fun pouring Coke all over the driveway, and I'm sure my neighbors wondered what I was up to . . . but in the end I'd have to NOT recommend this strategy. Maybe I did something wrong? Anyone else have any ideas?

For more coke slogans, go here. For more crazy uses for coke, go here.

Random

* Today I took the kids to visit Isaac's grave for the first time. They kept getting confused as to where it was because we don't have a grave marker yet. He would have been one month old today.

* We are going to have a little getaway as a family this weekend, thanks to our kind friends Ryan and Tabitha. They are letting us borrow their family's cabin -- thanks guys!

* Yesterday we looked at the parts of a flower under a magnifying glass for science. Then we played outside. As I was straightening out our garage, I heard this LOUD little voice exclaim, "Mommy! Look how BIG your bottom is!" I quickly turned around to find Emmie about two inches behind me, peering through the magnifying glass with a look of awe on her face. Gotta love that.

* A dear friend told me on Wednesday night that they are expecting again; it's their fourth. They found out they were pregnant three days before Isaac died and have been waiting to tell us. I am happy for them, but I also felt really sad.

* Allison learned to ride without training wheels! I can't wait to go on a family bike ride.

* Found a hilarious site about cakes that are complete disasters from my friend Bobbi. You should check it out!

Good News For a Change

This morning my dear daughter Allie made my day when she started sharing about how she wanted Jesus to be her best friend and that she knew how Jesus lived in people's hearts. I asked her if she wanted to pray with me to ask Jesus into her heart and she said, "I already did at bedtime last night".

What an amazing joy it is to hear that! She had this huge grin on her face and wanted to know if we could tell Daddy. So of course we did.

Another wonderful thing happened today when I finally decided to call the midwife to finally discuss the balance on our bill. I didn't know what she would charge us since we didn't have the baby there at the birthing center. (We had only paid $300 on our bill so far.) Anyway, they decided to dismiss the REST of our bill because they feel it's part of their ministry. What a huge blessing!

It was nice to see some sunshine peeking through the clouds. :)

Life

I don't get it. It has been three and a half weeks since Isaac died, and so far I had been doing a little better each day. Then Ethan went out of town for work and . . . I don't know what happened. I just felt paralyzed by grief. And then as life would have it, the kids just added to the fun. A small example of what was going on . . . Allie got sick in the night and threw up all over her bed and the floor. When I was upstairs cleaning it up in the morning, Ryan somehow broke my favorite vase and was sitting and playing in the broken glass when I found him. He had cuts on his hands and knees but thankfully nowhere else.

Lots of people have said that I am so "strong" in the past couple of weeks. I'm not feeling all that strong right now. I feel like giving up and letting the mess around the house, the stupidly high medical bills, and the daily frustrations win.

For My Ikea People

You have to love that.

Tonight Awana starts and my Emmie is going to be a cubbie. When did she get so big? Allie is going to be a spark this year. Both girls are extremely excited.

The last week has been a little bit easier as far as grieving is concerned. At a moms group I went to Monday night I almost felt like leaving because there were so many little nursing babies there. And then yesterday I was looking for something in the garage and came across a box labeled "baby boy clothing". I was thinking about whether or not we should even hold on to Ryan's old boy stuff. We cleaned all of our baby girl stuff out as soon as we found out that we were having a boy. I don't know. I guess the best thing to do is not make any decisions right now.

Happy Anniversary

Eight years ago today I married my best friend. What a crazy journey it has been! I don't even think we knew what love meant back then, but that has changed.

Today is bittersweet. I'm so happy to be celebrating another anniversary, but I can't help but think about Isaac being two weeks old today. I put on a bracelet this morning that Ethan and the kids got for me for Mother's Day this year. It had four bracelets that went together, and as they explained, there was one each for Allie, Emmie, Ryan, and the new baby. Not too long ago one of the bracelets broke and I didn't wear it for a while. When Allie saw it on me this morning she said, "Oh, yeah, mom. I remember that one of those broke and is gone. Now Isaac is gone too." She said it in a matter-of-fact way, but I could tell she was also sad.

A lot of people have asked me how the kids are doing; how they handled the news. The answer? I'm not sure I really know. The girls started talking in baby voices for a while but seem to be over that. Ryan got really clingy. Emmie seemed the least affected for a while, but she cried about her baby brother yesterday. She patted my stomach and asked "baby Isaac?". When I told her that he wasn't there anymore, she just burst into tears. She was okay after cuddling for a few minutes. It's so strange to see how grief affects the members of our family differently.

I'm not sure how we'll "celebrate" tonight. Probably just dinner out. We had this great plan to go to the waterpark, but I don't think the weather is going to allow it. It seemed like a good idea when it was hot. :)