Flunking Homemaking

Today we tried a new recipe from a book I've had since Christmas '07. I thought since my kids love chicken nuggets they would love homemade ones even better! WRONG-O. There's something about putting spinach in the coating that freaked them out. (Who woulda thought?!)

We went to the Home and Garden show this weekend. Saw a lot of plants. Now feeling totally inadequate. This is what our entire yard looks like right now.

Now THIS is more like what I'm planning. By the end of next month.

I can dream, can't I? Seriously, I am just going to be so happy to see grass. We are waiting to hear back about our fence from the company that regulates everything from the neighborhood covenants . The covenants state that our fence has to be twenty feet back from the sidewalk (we're on a corner) and that leaves us with just a measly five feet of side yard. We need that space! Where else is our pool gonna go? :)

Learning Resilience

You know, it's been seven months since he died. I can't believe it. Lately I've been trying to figure out why some people bounce back after tragedy and others don't. I think it is a matter of perspective. I read a really wonderful book shortly after we lost Isaac that asked the question, "Why not me?" It's natural to wonder "Why me?" I have to admit, even though from the moment we were told he was gone I knew it was all a part of God's plan, there have been times when I wondered why I was the one to lose a baby. I mean, I get SICK when I'm pregnant. This last time was really tough especially. So even though I try not to think about it, sometimes it makes me wonder why I would go through such horrible morning (all day) sickness and exhaustion for . . . nothing. But I can't really say it was nothing. Because I would do it again just to have that time with my little boy.

I remember when the nurse brought Isaac in for us to say goodbye to him. We had stayed up with him for a couple of hours past the birth but tried to sleep until morning, although it was extremely difficult. When she brought him in that morning she warned us that he would be cold, because he had been in the cooler. Even now as I write that it sounds strange. And I remember when she took him away she covered his face. It REALLY bothered me to see his face covered because it was so unnatural. I wanted to call out, "Wait! Take the blanket off so he can breathe!" but I stayed silent.

Even though we still hurt every day, and sometimes the littlest things will bring on a wave of pain, I am done asking why. I will remember to ask why not, because I'm no different or better than anyone else in this world who has suffered. And the truth is, I didn't deserve to lose my son, but I also don't deserve the gift of God's grace; the gift of eternal life. That's worth thinking about.

Catching Up

The girls making little pots out of bread dough.

Ryan's first time painting with a brush. He loved it until he tried painting the inside of his mouth!

A little sneak peek of a commissioned painting. The owner hasn't seen it yet so I won't show the whole thing.

Speaking of painting, Ethan has been urging me to go this art conference in May. I would really like to go, but it's in Ashland, Oregon, and that's quite a ways to drive alone. Does anyone else want to get away for a few days?

Painting Thoughts

Don't be scared by the pictures below. I have been playing with a painting tool from this website. It's quite addictive. So, the thing is, we already have pillows, throws, and curtains in the oh-so-trendy blue and brown; should I stick with it and paint my walls to match? And which color looks best?

p.s. I already have a couple that I hate; just curious to see what you think!

Memorial

The death of my Grandpa has been easier to handle than the loss of my little one. At his memorial yesterday I felt a resolution that came from him living a full life. I felt the peace of knowing that he is in heaven right now. I hope he's holding Isaac.

My grandpa starting developing symptoms of optic neuritis when I was a little kid, although my in my earliest memories of time spent with him he was already legally blind. He didn't seek out a personal relationship with Christ until this time in his life. As my mom read in a memorial she wrote for yesterday, he told her that "it wasn't until he went blind that he was able to see".

Yesterday was my first time attending a funeral where they honored someone for their service to the country. I made it through the emotional slideshow and all of the speakers, but when I heard the twenty-one gun salute and the instruments playing Taps, I couldn't keep the tears from falling. When the soldier knelt down to present the flag to my grandma and I heard the gentle, respectful way he spoke to her, it gave me chills.

I am so proud of my grandpa and can't wait to see him again!

Doldrums

Sometimes I feel like life's just not that into me. Seriously. Maybe it's because my grandpa just died. I am really happy that he's not suffering anymore, though.

Does anyone else need the weather to change around here? I think a huge part of feeling down has to do with this stupid cloudy weather every day. I think I'll buy one of those special sunlamps and stick it on my head.

Stay tuned for a more cheerful post another day. Or not. We'll see.