Thankful

This has been a sorrowful week. Last night we got a call from another friend and learned that a couple we know (slightly) has lost their baby at 32 weeks. They went into labor at home and were using a midwife. When the midwife arrived she found the mom dilated to an 8 and sent her to the hospital. They weren't able to stop the labor in time. My initial feeling was grief for the couple, but then I couldn't help but look at our situation and wonder if we would really be okay. Dwelling on the difficult things isn't something I want to do, so I decided to remember all the things I have to be thankful for here.

* my baby has had steriod shots to develop her lungs
* wonderful nurses, many who are Christians
* prayers from far and wide
* a husband who loves me more than I can fathom sometimes :)
* one of my precious kids is in heaven, where there is no pain or sorrow!
* my three babes at home, who keep my laughing whenever I see them
* God's faithfulness to our family
* friends and their blessings (one who brought the entire 5 seasons of "Alias" for me to watch!)
* modern medicine -- so grateful it's 2009!

Have I mentioned lately that we are done having babies? Because we are. After this precious girl arrives . . . NO MORE! I haven't slept since 2:00 a.m. due to contractions and magnesium sulfate doses and throwing up and nausea and heart issues related to mag sulfate. I'm so thankful TODAY wasn't Christmas Day! After the contractions today I barely feel comfortable walking to the bathroom. I don't want to move an inch until the dr. can safely bring our girl into the world.

A special thank you to our friends and neighbors, Katie and McKay, who sacrificed sleep last night so Ethan could run to the hospital when we thought we might be having an emergency c-section. We appreciate you SO much for answering the phone in the middle of the night!

Heart Breaking News

"My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, Oh Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you."
-- Psalm 88:9

As I'm writing this I'm struggling not to get tears all over my keyboard. I just found out that a wonderful friend lost her baby girl on Christmas Eve. My friend's name is Randi, and her baby's name was Ruthie. Ruthie was six months old and passed away during a nap.

I've known Randi for a couple of years through Keepers of the Home. We are also a part of the same homeschool co-oop. She is the type of person who truly lives out her faith. On her facebook page she shared the lines from this old hymm:

'When peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.'

Please pray that God will carry their family through each moment of this terrible tragedy.

Some Poeple Will Do Anything To Get Out of Family Holidays!

Merry Christmas everyone! I am posting this from . . . you guessed it. The hospital. Whoopee. Last night was our traditional Christmas Eve with Ethan's side of the family. Usually we do it at his parent's house, but instead everyone voted to move it to our house. Almost everyone had arrived and we were just about to eat when I discovered I was bleeding. (A LOT!) I didn't even want to tell Ethan, but of course I did and we dropped everything and rushed in.

There was some concern last night that our little girl would have to be delivered via emergency c-section, but praise God, the bleeding slowed enough for now to keep her safely inside. I am really curious to see what our dr. has to say. Will I be transfered to the hospital with a better NICU? Going home? Staying right here? Last night when they decided to admit me the nurse said she'd go prepare a room. As she was walking out the door I yelled "I like 307!" :) She and the dr. both started laughing. Unfortunately 307 was already taken but they had my second choice available. I am thankful for the little things!

Christmas Spirit

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas around here! Ethan just snuck in our "most exciting" present to the kids. It's alive. Some of you may know what it is, but I'm going to wait and post a picture. It's NOT A PUPPY. :) Like we could keep a puppy in the house for longer than 10 minutes without everyone knowing it.

Ethan surprised me by making arrangements for our hairstylist to come out and give me a haircut today. I don't know who to thank more, him or Jenni, who insisted on doing it as a gift. We're still giving her a gift card or something -- that was too sweet!

Have been feeling the urge to . . . . scrapbook! This is a big moment in my life, as I have not tried scrapbooking with paper for probably six years. I just got frustrated with not having a space, and buying materials, and getting behind. But I saw a glimpse of some pretty paper today when Allie was looking for ribbons for her hair, and I think the sickness is coming on. Watch out Ethan! You may not be able to sleep in our bed for the next several weeks, as it will be taken over!

I have really been watching Ethan today and yesterday. Seeing how he handles taking care of the kids full-time. He's never been responsible for them two straight days in a row with no breaks. It's . . . interesting!

Ryan had three poopy diapers today and spilled both milk and apple juice on the carpet below our dining room table. Emily accidently dumped her salad all over the floor while clearing her spot from dinner. Allie somersaulted off my bed and smacked her head on the bookcase. I think there were other incidents but this is just what I know happened for sure. Ethan was also trying to clean the junk out of his old office so we can start turning it into the nursery. (No pressure to do that from me; I think he just needed a project this weekend.) He had some football games he wanted to watch but had many interruptions. A few minutes ago he told me, "I NEED to go to work this week!!"

Poor guy. I completely understand what he's facing. When you're the only parent you often have to sacrifice the plans you make and adjust as you go. Sometimes I have wished I had a job to go to also; I love being a stay-at-home mom but it can get overwhelming at times. At least the weekend is almost over!

Dave Ramsey Show

This has been posted on my facebook page already, but this coming Tuesday night we're going to be on the Dave Ramsey Show! Not live in person, which is FINE by me, but on the phone. His show is all about giving, so we're going to talk about how much God has blessed our family since Isaac passed away. Really the last year and a half has been one very difficult trial after another; it will be nice to say "thanks" to all the people who have been there for us. They said if we had any pictures to use that would be great. I wish we did have pictures of the people taking care of our kids and mowing our lawn and bringing meals and . . . the list just goes on. Maybe we'll stage pictures this weekend! (haha) Wish us luck!

A Funny Story --- Must Read

Last night we received a call from a very sweet couple in our church. They are a both a little quiet and just knowing them is a huge blessing. They had made dinner for us to be used anytime this week and wanted to know if it would be too late to drop it off between 9:30 and 10:00 p.m. It wasn't and they said they had directions to our house, so we planned to see them later in the night.

Later on after the kids were asleep, Ethan, Phill (his brother who is helping us out) and I were watching "The Mentalist" upstairs in our bonus room. We were trying to listen for the door but must have missed it. Shortly after 10:00 we got a phone call from the sweet wife, wanting to let us know that they rang the bell but when no one answered they left the meal on the front doorstep. We thanked her, hung up, and Phill ran downstairs to get it. Only . . . there was NOT a meal on the doorstep. So Phill went around to different neighbors houses and tried to see if they had gotten the wrong house. No meals anywhere. Sooooo, I called the wife back to see what she could tell me, and she was just horrified that they had left it at the wrong house! The poor thing was telling her husband standing next to her what had happened, and he said, "isn't the house number 831o?"

In shock, I realized they left the meal at the house we used to live in -- over a year ago! Ethan and Phill were following the conversation and at this point they were laughing so hard, trying to muffle the sound. I was trying not to laugh too, because the couple was just saying quietly, "Oh, dear. Oh, my!" I don't know if the three of us in the bonus room just needed a good laugh to ease the strain of the past three weeks, but we seriously couldn't get a hold of ourselves. It was great.

We called a friend who lives in a house two down from where we used to live and told him there might be an unclaimed meal nearby. He is a good sport and up for an adventure like that, so he walked over and peeked, but by then it was gone.

UPDATE: Phill got a call from the lady who lives in the house we used to live in. Apparently she figured the whole thing out, got our number, called us, and really wanted to bring the meal by. She just dropped it off a few minutes ago. I am sorry I didn't get a chance to thank her, but I did call the kind couple from church and let them know. Isn't it amazing how many good-hearted people there are in the world?

Oh How I Love Shots!

Tomorrow holds the promise of the standard glucose test and the not-so-standard steriod shot. Yuck. I was hoping to escape shots by getting out of the hospital, but at least I do understand the reason for this. The idea is to help our little one's lungs develop more quickly in case of an early delivery. The first shot tomorrow has to be followed by another shot on Wednesday. Double the fun!

I played Old Maid and Go Fish! with the girls all afternoon. It was an unexpected joy to sit with them and be silly. Tomorrow I want to start teaching the kids again. It will be a breeze now that I can just sit here in bed with them one at a time and go over their school subjects. :) Okay, so I'm sure there will still be a little bit of uncooperativeness at times, but I'll pray for good attitudes among all of us!

Christmas Wishes

I don't know how this happened, but I just found out today that my girls both want the same thing for Christmas: a cupcake machine. They saw one in Walmart and are enamored with it. A couple of months ago the big desire was an American girl doll, now it's a cupcake machine. So I'm wondering how we're going to play this one. We're not going to buy two cupcake machines; that would be silly. Maybe one good one and then some extra packets for when they inevitably run out of mix? I don't know. I wish American girl dolls didn't cost like $100 each or we would just do those as their big present. Does anyone know of an American doll look-alike that would please a six-year-old and five-year-old girl?

Ryan's easy . . . he gets a car for everything. And it makes him REALLY happy. :)

Being Home Again

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
-- Helen Keller

This is one of my favorite quotes. I was thinking of it today as I realized my days of "ease and quiet" are over for now. Being home has been both wonderful and difficult. The kids want to be in bed cuddling with me as much as possible, it seems. I do enjoy that. But it is so different here; I want to get up and do everything I'd normally do at home. (Okay, so I'm not itching to do the dishes or anything, but still.) When Ryan takes off with the telephone, pushing buttons as he goes, it's hard to not jump out of bed and chase after him before he calls China. And today when the girls were picking out what they wanted to wear to the Christmas program, it took all the self-control I could muster to not go down the hall and just help them. (Allie especially needed a hand; at first she was trying to get away with wearing JEANS and then it was summer clothes. Silly goose.)

The hospital room may have been boring, but at least I had no great urge to wander around. Please pray for my poor hubby. I think he's learning patience as he puts up with this patient!

Just When You Think You Know What's Goin' On . . .

So . . . I am home, right now, typing this.



I tried to send an email to everyone I had an address for to explain what's going on, but in case I missed you I'll try to do a quick recap.



The disturbing news yesterday was when my dr. shared with me that our insurance carrier had decided they would no longer pay for coverage past December 5. I was thinking . . . hey, wait a minute -- today's the 10th! Luckily the hospital picked up the bill and carried it through today, but we still had a problem with insurance. Our dr. told us it wouldn't matter what insurance company it was, there was going to be a problem because there just isn't enough research on placenta previa to know for a fact that it was life-threatening to be on bedrest at home. To make a long story short, the debate went back and forth and it came down to the final decision resting on the shoulders of an expert from maternal-fetal medicine. My sweet dr. was VERY much advocating that I stay at the hospital; the maternal-fetal dr. didn't examine me or anything, he just asked what our home life looked like and if we would have enough help. He also wanted to know how far we are from the hospital. We told him with regular traffic it's about 17 minutes. He said if I start to hemmorhage that I can call 911 and their response time is about 2-3 minutes. They can get an i.v. started in the ambulance and blaze to the hospital. He said you have about half an hour before you bleed out and die, so that should leave enough time. (If you're sensing some sarcasm here - good.)

This may have to be part 1 of 2 since it's getting late. Until tomorrow --

12 Weeks: Day 16

I wish I had a picture for right now, because there just aren't words . . .

Ethan just called me to tell me our pipes froze and our kitchen and laundry room are flooded. Sigh. He and his brother, who is luckily there right now, are trying to soak it all up with our towels, but I'm not sure they can use the washer until they fix the problem. I'm hoping we don't run out of towels!

Moving along to more positive news. This morning my dr. visited me like usual and had some troubling things to share with me. Without going into all the details, I'll just say that I was feeling a little bit anxious when she left. A while later the nurse came in to do the usual assessment. One part of the assessment involves monitering the baby's heart rate for 20 to 30 minutes. So she got me hooked up and left the room, only to come back a few moments later because the machine was sounding some kind of alarm. The baby's heart rate was in the high 160's and that's higher than they usually see. For my little girl personally she runs in the 140's usually. So I asked the nurse what could cause her heart rate to be up and she said, "Well, if you were running a fever, which you're not, or if you're anxious about something . . ." Of course I knew right away that it was anxiety and I talked to her about what was going on. She offered to pray with me, and after she prayed for just a couple of minutes and said "Amen", I glanced over at the moniter and saw that our baby girl's heart rate had come back down to normal! It was kind of neat to see and feel God's presence right there at that very moment. I love my Great Physician. :)

12 Weeks: Day 15

I got a phone call today that left me feeling humbled and very undeserving. I don't know if I should say who, but a certain group has hired a cleaning company to come to our house once every other week to keep up on things! What an amazing blessing! I wish I could be there to see it. :) I know it's going to be such a HUGE help to Ethan. God is so good and provides for our every need. I am utterly overwhelmed by the love he has shown us through His people. I was just listening to a sermon online today and the statement was made that if all God ever did for us was save us from eternity in hell, that would enough for us to be completely thankful. But yeah, He does SO much more for us, from taking care of the big things to the tiny details. What a wonderful Father in heaven we have!

12 Weeks: Day 14

My hospital room now has a real, LIVE Christmas tree!!!

12 Weeks: Day 14

Another quiet day with not much new, although I did finally figure out why I was feeling really sick to my stomach every morning. (Kind of late in the pregnancy to classify it as morning sickness.) Apparently when some people are on bed rest it causes their blood pressure to bottom out in the mornings, leading to nausea after they get up for the first time. There's not really much you can do about it but it's kind of nice to know what's going on!

The snow was GORGEOUS outside the window this morning. Ethan's grandpa's funeral was today and it took him around an hour to get to church, when it normally takes no longer than 20 minutes.

12 Weeks: Day 13

Today was an interesting and not-great day. Ethan brought the kids by for a few minutes after church to say hello. He had to play this morning so they had been up and running since about 7:00. He needed to get lunch into their little tummies and get them to bed for a nap by 1:30. Well, he didn't end up getting out of here until nearly 1:30, and was back 10 minutes later with the kids in tow. It turned out the Jeep wouldn't start; it was some problem with the battery terminal. So there we were . . . the kids hadn't eaten, Ethan didn't even have a coat or tools, it was naptime for everyone. Without going into all the boring details, they finally all ended up getting home by 4:30. The kids had eaten by then; thank goodness. My mother-in-law arrived and took the kids across the street to McDonalds. She had a time of it too. While there, she got a call from her mom who was in tears over Ethan's grandpa passing away, and while on the phone with her Emily bit into something and lost her first tooth! There was blood gushing everywhere and then Ryan ran into a table or something and about knocked himself out. Allie was the only one not crying, I think.

Aaaaaahh. Life. It was frustrating to know all this drama was going on and not be able to help anyone or do anything. I'm trying to get used to that. At least I can always pray for them!

12 Weeks: Day 12

For the first time since being here I heard a page for a Code Blue last night. Obviously it's a recorded voice, but the man speaking sounded like he was sitting in his parlor drinking tea. A very calm and collected tone that didn't relay the urgency of the moment. I thought it was on my floor until a nurse told me the page goes out all over the hospital. It happened in the middle of the night.

12 Weeks: Day 11

Friday must be a good errand-running day, because I was fortunate to have lots of visitors today. It was neat because everyone seemed to bring a little something that was comforting; books, magazines, cards, and even Christmas decorations for my room! I feel so blessed. :)

Today is the first day that I won't be able to see my sweet kiddos and husband. Luckily they will be out tomorrow early in the day.

Had to pause this post for a bit to visit with some friends. I just realized that it's good that I like to read, because I now have 17 books sitting on the shelf!

12 Weeks: Day 10

Today has been a pleasant day here at my day spa. I've decided to think of it that way. I mean, after all, I do have chefs and nurses at my bidding. :) Every time I take a relaxing bath someone puts fresh sheets on the bed. There's cable tv and a list of movies here on the floor. I may even miss this place when it's time to leave! (NOT)

I ran out of clean pajamas today and had to go back to the hospital gown. It seriously feels like you're wrapping yourself in a tent. At least it's pink! Ethan got after me (in a sweet way) about not reminding him to bring me clean stuff, but I really didn't want to bug him with this detail. He has been overwhelmed with work, our new situation, and his grandpa passing away Tuesday night. It's hard being here because of the loneliness, being woken up at night every night to do vitals, and not feeling like I have much privacy. But my heart really hurts for my hubby, because he has soooo much on his shoulders right now. He has barely seen the kids this week. They are all coming in together tonight and we plan to have a VERY good time!

12 Weeks: Day 9

A few friends have asked what exactly the situation is and what's going on. I'm certainly no expert and am still learning, but placenta previa means that your placenta is low-lying and usually touching or covering some part of the cervix. With a complete previa, like I have, the placenta completely covers the cervix. When this is what they find on an ultrasound, it's much less likely that the placenta will move (like it often does with a partial previa), meaning that a c-section is inevitable. Because the placenta isn't attached to anything, there are all these blood vessels just hanging there on the underside. They don't know exactly what causes the bleeding, but some thoughts are that the weight of the baby can lead to it, or certain activities. Once you bleed for the first time, or the "centinal bleed", you are at a much increased risk of bleeding again, and they may not be able to stop it the second time. There are women who actually have to continuously get transfusions until the baby is mature enough to be born. Obviously it's not ideal to be getting transfusions for a long period of time, so if the hemmorhage is going to happen it's better to have it happen as late as possible in the pregnancy. The only way to stop the bleeding is to remove the placenta.

Okay, I hope that somewhat answers questions. And I really hope I didn't relay any false information, because like I said, I'm still figuring it out. :)


On a lighter note, I have to share a very vivid dream I had last night. I dreamed that Ty Pennington and the Extreme Makeover team chose us for their Home Edition. When it was time for the big reveal they had finished our baby nursery. It was done with a buttercream color on the walls and cranberry, light pink, and brown bedding. The other room in my dream was our playroom, which had been made to look exactly like my hospital room! For some reason that really thrilled me during the dream. Craziness.

12 Weeks: Day 8

I really wish I was writing about something like our trip to Disneyland or the latest fun project we've tackled, but unfortunately that's not the case. It's only noon today, and my heart is so heavy. I think everything is sinking in today. My dr. came in this morning when Ethan was here and asked if we had any questions. One thing Ethan had been wondering about was what my chances were of dying here in the hospital when we're so close to the OR and everything. I thought it was silly to ask, and assumed that my dr. would laugh and say, "Oh, she's at no risk." Nope. She was completely serious when she answered and said she had been discussing my situation with another colleague and debating a few issues. One issue was whether I should have one i.v. site or two. I was really hoping to avoid having an i.v. but she explained when you start losing blood very quickly it can be very difficult to get an i.v. started. Another issue they were discussing involved keeping my blood type (A positive) or O positive and negative close by. I guess it takes half an hour to to get the blood from the lab downstairs. We talked about Ethan giving blood because he's O negative, although I couldn't just get his blood in a transfusion because it doesn't work that way. (Basicallly it would just be helpful if he gave because there would be more of the kind I can get in the blood bank.) What else was there? Oh, yeah . . . they will test my blood every few days to do a "cross-match" with what they have. I'm not sure why this is important but whatever. :)

Before today I felt like I was just "humoring" my dr. and Ethan by willingly going along with what I was supposed to do. Now I think I'm understanding more of how Ethan feels and why he gets upset when I don't take it very seriously. He won't have to worry about that anymore; I GET IT! :) (finally)

12 Weeks: Day 7

Cyber Monday. Kind of boring around here today. I started thinking about Isaac last night and really had trouble getting to sleep. I'm just a few rooms down the hall from where he was born, and now that I'm learning more about how everything works around here I started thinking about where he went when he wasn't in the room with us, etc. I still think of what it would be like if I could hold him one more time. Anyway, I don't think I fell asleep until after 3:00 a.m. At least it's easy to catch up on lost sleep here!

12 Weeks: Day 6

I'm in a new room! The old one had one small window in the corner; this one has two big ones. It's great to have finally put up the kids artwork they've brought in and put my clothes away in the cabinets.

No visitors today except my family but it was nice. Ethan says people have suggested getting a little Christmas tree to put in here but I'm not sure where you'd find one. It would be fun to have a little decor. We usually do a lot at home so it does seem kind of bare here.

Ethan put Skype on my computer yesterday and it has been great. Tonight he set his computer up at the dinner table so I could "be" with the family during dinner! It was funny, even though it was a very different from normal. I even got to nag my kids from my hospital room! :) Good times.

12 Weeks: Day 5

Got a visit from the physical therapist today. I'm so grateful that she could show me some things to do so I won't be too weak when I'm finally released!

Lots and lots of visitors. I guess that makes sense on a Saturday. :) Children ARE allowed to come right now so it's easier for my momma friends to come out. I was talking to a nurse and she said that when they weren't allowing kids in they were so strict that moms in my position wouldn't be able to see their own babies! Seriously? That would kill me. Here's a prayer request: let's pray that flu numbers stay down low enough that the hospital will continue to allow children in. Thanks!

12 Weeks: Day 4

Black Friday! Don't mind missing this madness. Today a dietician came out because so far I've lost two pounds every day since I've been here. Weird, huh? That's not sustainable. :) They're urging me to have a snack at night to add some calories. You'd think that you'd want to snack all day when there's nothing else to do, but it's really not so appetizing when you're not burning any calories! Not much else going on . . .

12 Weeks In the Hospital: Day 3

Well, Day 3 was yesterday and yesterday was Thanksgiving. What an experience! My parents deserve an award for cooking an entire dinner, bringing it from an hour away, and hauling it from the car to the third floor of the hospital. I feel so blessed! The hospital makes a special meal for the staff but it was the same ol', same ol' for the patients. Not that I'm complaining. The hospital food here is actually pretty good.

A nurse asked me last night if I was remembering to take deep breaths every hour or so. They had never asked that so I didn't know what she was talking about. Apparently when you're on bed rest like this you're at a higher risk for developing pnuemonia from fluid collecting in your lungs. Crazy, huh?

Hope everyone else had a blessed day with their families!

12 Weeks In the Hospital: Day 2

I'm starting to realize just how long this is going to be. I thought of things today like how I really wish I had a pair of slippers. I've never owned slippers but they would be nice in here. There's something gross about walking around in the hospital room in bare feet. :) I told Ethan earlier that it really feels like it has been a week so far -- how has it only been two and a half days?

Today Emmie pulled the emergency cord in the bathroom and a bunch of nurses came rushing in. Poor Em was so embarrassed.

This day actually went by quickly because there were four groups of visitors. One creative friend brought me a little pedicure kit she put together. I never take the time to use anything like that so it will be a treat!

12 Weeks in the Hospital: Day 1

As many of you have probably heard by now, I started bleeding Monday afternoon and came to the maternity ward to get checked out. What I didn't expect was that I would actually be getting checked in! My dr. shocked me yesterday morning when she told me I had to stay here until the baby was full-term, or for the next 12 WEEKS. I am really hoping at some point to be able to go home and be on bedrest there but it doesn't look likely. Apparently the risk of hemmorhage is way too high, and it can happen in minutes. So . . . for my own records I thought I'd keep a daily account of what it's like to live in the hospital.

Yesterday was the first full day. It was also the day my precious Emmie turned five. She seems so old! She, Allie, and Ethan came by last night and we had a little party in my room. (Ryan stayed the night with Ethan's folks.) Emmie got to pick out her own birthday present; she chose art supplies and silly putty. They had such fun bouncing the silly putty around the room and coloring pictures to put on my walls. Emmie declared it to be her "best birthday ever!"

Allie lost a tooth at breakfast yesterday. I had been keeping an eye on it for quite a while. I already feel like I'm missing important life details. I watched something like seven episodes of "House Hunters" on HGTV. Took a bath, which was a pure luxury after laying in bed all day. Tried to figure out childcare for my kiddos. I miss them and Ethan so much!

He's Moving Out!

The day has finally come; my hubby is moving out of our home office and relocating to a commercial building. He has been home for over a year and it has been WONDERFUL! (for the most part) I think God really provided this last year with Ethan at home to help us both recover from losing Isaac.

So what shall we do with the empty room? BABY NURSERY! I am so happy to have a project to look forward to; it makes it easier to ignore that we won't be seeing Daddy quite so often anymore. Poor Ethan probably thinks I'm thrilled that he's leaving by the way I've hauled all the newborn stuff out of the garage. :) Once the room gets done I'll have to post pictures, but I'm not making any promises of that happening quickly!

More News and Research

In the last post I mentioned that we had some more news last week. The day before the ultrasound appointment we had a long-awaited appointment with a developmental specialist. Our pediatrician had recommended a while back that we take Ryan in because of his language delay and some other things she had noticed. SO . . . the dr. kind of turned our world upside-down last Tuesday when he told us Ryan is autistic.



I debated whether to even blog about this because it is something so personal, but I feel that even if it's just for myself I need to get the feelings out there. I've had an experience with a friend already that wasn't easy. This friend, when told of the diagnosis, quoted to me from a book written by Micheal Savage, the radio commentator. His view of autism is extremely harsh. He basically said that autistic kids are little brats whose parents haven't disciplined them and who probably don't have a daddy around. WOW! Needless to say, I am very grateful for the friends who have been supportive and understanding.



Ryan has been more difficult than his sisters, but the main indicators of this have been other things. For one, his language is almost non-existent. He will say words occasionally but he has lost some of his language. I cried the day I realized he wasn't saying "I love you" anymore. He used to say "Grandma" and his full name and all of that has been lost. It's so strange. There are MANY other things that he does differently from other kids that we didn't even realize. For instance, he has never pointed at anything. That doesn't sound significant but it's an indicator. He will laugh and cry and scream at inappropriate times. (The laughing has often happened in the middle of the night.) He'll walk and run on his tiptoes and go in circles over and over. He doesn't make eye contact as well as he should, but thankfully he does make some eye contact. He also has a really difficult time processing sensory input.

I guess we have our work cut out for us as far as figuring out how to help him. I'm glad we found out now when he's only three years old. I love my baby boy!

Baby News! It's a . . .

GIRL!

Yep, it looks like we're going to be seeing more pink around here for the next several years.

Sigh.

This has been a really hard couple of days. We got some rough news yesterday that is going to take some time and adjustment, but it is what it is. (That was yesterday, not to be confused with the baby news of today.) I'm happy we did the ultrasound to find the gender because there were a lot of feelings for both Ethan and I. You don't think it's going to matter, but it was emotional despite our best intentions.

The baby is super healthy so that is great, of course. However, when the ultrasound tech said I have the "bad luck of the draw", I could only imagine what she was going to say. Apparently I have complete placenta previa. I'm sure everyone is familiar with this. They say that when it's partial at this point there's a good chance the placenta could move out of the way, but since mine is just completely covering the cervix it's not likely to move. This means we have to really watch for bleeding. There's a possibility of having to go on bedrest. (Yeah, I'm not even going to think about that right now.) Also, there's a really good chance we'll have to do a c-section.

This isn't all bad news. Our baby is healthy, so that's all that really matters. I think I just need to take a nap and not think about everything else right now. Prayers are appreciated. :)

Crazy Hair Night

Last night was Crazy Hair Night at AWANA. Allie is on the blue team so we went with that as our theme and cut a bunch of fabric strips from old, stained clothes. (Luckily for us we still had a bag in the garage waiting to go to the ARC.) She told me she was the ONLY kid who didn't have hair color in her hair. Who would've thought?

First Day of Co-op!

Even though we are in our fourth week of school, today was our first day of co-op. It is offered every other week for two hours. Ryan was in preschool, Emily was in kindergarten, and Allie took two classes, "Wild About Animals" and "Hands-On Science".

Each mom either teaches or assists in a class unless there are special circumstances, and since I had been really sick with the pregnancy the director said I didn't need to assist anywhere this semester. (Woo-hoo!) But then Ryan's class was a little short-handed the first hour so I worked with the preschoolers. They are so cute! It was honestly a joy to spend that time with the little cuties. I think I'll assist there each time. The next hour I found a place in the shade and got to do my Bible study. Talk about feeling spoiled! It was great.

Emily's class, the kindergartners, are studying bugs this semester. Today they each got a little container full of ladybugs to take home. She was ecstatic. We have directions for releasing them, but I think I'm going to have to talk their "mama" into doing that. She's pretty much in love with them!

Allison made an owl mask and did some fun experiments in her science class. We do experiments here at home sometimes but I'm grateful that she's doing more in this class.

Overall, our first day of co-op rocked!

Funny Headline and Batik Pictures

So I have two things to post that really have nothing to do with each other, but bear with me.

First, Ethan sent me this article that is really kind of funny. Here's the link:

U.S. EXECUTION FAILS OVER INMATE'S UNSUITABLE VEINS

His comment with the email read, "If you're ever convicted of a capital offense, this may be your way out!" Thanks, babe. I have a feeling he may be right about my veins, although I'm not planning to ever come near any kind of offense, thank you!

Secondly, we had a craft today that the kids loved. We were reading in our social studies book about crafts in different cultures and the girls were intrigued by batik, which is a craft in Indonesia. The women take hot wax and make designs on cloth, then they paint over the cloth. When the was peels off the beautiful designs are left. We modified it by using wax (NOT hot) on paper. They drew designs and then watercolored over them. They enjoyed that but the most fun they had was when I wrote them "secret" messages and they had to paint the paper to reveal them. Easy project and fun!

Chocolate Play Dough

We came across this recipe in an old file I had recently. The kids were wanting to make peanut butter play dough, but I talked them into doing chocolate. This was the first AND last picture I took before I unwisely let Allie take the camera from me. She is very careful on her own but her darling brother grabbed it from her hands and dropped it on the lens. :( So goodbye camera, for now.

Here is the recipe:

Mix together --

1 and 1/4 cup flour

1/2 cup cocoa

1/2 cup salt

2 tsp. cream of tartar

Mix thoroughly, then add --

1 and 1/2 T. oil

1 cup boiling water

Mix and knead until smooth!

The girls particularly liked using cookie cutters and "making" cookies that smelled like the real thing. Ryan tried to eat it more than once. :)

Fall Giveaway

We have been in our house now for about 10 months and I am really feeling the need to get settled! The area in need of help is our living room/dining room/kitchen. There is just so much space and I want the colors to all blend together well. I'm entering a blog contest to win a gift certificate to Home Goods. I've heard of them but have never shopped there. To see some cute fall ideas and enter the contest yourself, go here!

Smart Mommy Blog

I just ran across the most helpful website the other day! If you have little boys only you may not care for it but if you have little girls you may want to check out this cute website.

My many thanks to those moms out there who are willing to share their knowledge with the rest of us. :) My girls may be sportin' new do's soon!

School Days

This picture is from last week. Allie couldn't wait to start math (her favorite subject) so she curled up on the couch with her new workbook. Ryan was trying to color in her book so we quickly grabbed a coloring book for him. :)

I'm starting to understand why parents groan about keeping up with all the activities their kids are into. This year is really the first year all of our kids are involved in something. Allison is going to be playing soccer, Emily is in ballet, and Ryan is starting preschool at the local school. (He qualified for it because he has a speech delay). Plus they are all going to be doing Awana. I'm excited for the new year but hoping I don't forget a child somewhere along the way!

Today was our first day of school and it was great fun. We read about people in different countries and the girls were both intrigued that in Japan it's customary to bow to others when you greet them. Don't be surprised if they bow to you next time they see you! We learned about compound words, practiced writing letters and numbers, talked about the science of water, and had some fun playing outside. We also had some Bible and devotional time. We use Sonlight as our curriculum and love it. It's a "literature-rich" program. Some homeschool programs have complex projects like making a Pilgrim breakfast and sewing period costumes for the kids to wear. There's no way I could do all of that! I like having the freedom to do the extra when we have time but not being required to do so.

I still have an i.v. in but am starting to get used to it. Last week I decided I was DONE with home health and all it's trappings, but then I got really sick again and knew we weren't quite ready to go off. More needle pokes, please! Hopefully soon this will be an easy pregnancy . . . .

Summer Pictures

Fun Days in our town. The kids loved this ride.

Ryan's third birthday present: a giant superman he could knock over again, and again, and again!

Why sleep like a normal boy if you can sleep with your head in a bucket?

Making the annual Father's Day shirt.

Our house with a blue door and blue shutters. Remember, these were a ridiculous white before. No imagination. Ignore the messy part in front of the house. We were working on a planter at the time.

The back of the Father's Day shirt. :)

Book Review Friday

My apologies ahead of time to anyone who isn't ready to hear the word "Christmas" used in August. I have been reading a lot lately but nothing absolutely amazing comes to mind, so I will tell you a bit about what I'm browsing through just for fun.

Adult Non-fiction:

The Gooseberry Patch Series by the Gooseberry Patch Group


This series has crafts and recipes for different times of the year, but my favorite books are the Christmas ones. I probably wouldn't be looking at these books right now if I wasn't stuck inside on an i.v., but trust me, they are worth it. One of our traditional family Thanksgiving recipes comes from this collection, and it's a sweet potato dish baked inside a pumpkin. Delish! These are the kind of books that make me long for a good snowfall and family time. Hope you enjoy them as much as we do!

One Year Old

It's so hard to believe our little baby would be one year old today. I really feel like it was just a few weeks ago that we were facing the greatest nightmare we'd ever face. About this time one year ago we were checked into the hospital and they were giving me something to get labor started. We could have waited to go into labor naturally but I couldn't imagine walking around for days knowing my little one was already gone.

This morning some kind friends watched our kids so we could take care of something that has been burdening me for so long; we ordered Isaac's gravestone! I have HATED not having a place to leave flowers or visit. We would have done it sooner but it's a few hundred dollars just to get the basics, so we had to save up. We are so thrilled that they will be making a temporary sandstone marker while his permanent one is created. After the permanent one is in we can take the temporary one home and put in in a special place in our yard.

After visiting the monument company we stopped in Babyland to sit by his grave for a while. I didn't really think I'd cry but I did. It wasn't even so much just for us but for all the parents who have little ones there. It's hard to read all the graves that say "our precious daughter" and "beloved brother" without getting choked up. Life is so hard sometimes.

I want to thank all of you who have been praying for us today. We appreciate and love you!

Drama, Drama, Drama!

Even though Ethan works from home, he can't take care of the kids and I during the day right now while I'm so sick. So we have come to visit my parents at their house.

My doctor approved a home health care nurse to come out and put an iv in each day so I could stop going to the hospital every few days. So Monday night this nurse came out and started explaining what I would need to do every day with the iv. Then she tried to get it started.

I debated whether or not to share this story on my blog because it's kind of embarrassing, but then I thought of my friend Kelly and how she shared the story of what happened when her little boy literally "broke her face". So, with that in mind, here goes . . .

I wasn't feeling good to start on Monday night and the first two attempts to get the iv in went really badly. She would insert the needle and then probe to "find" where my vein had disappeared to; the whole time my stomach is churning. On the third attempt I told her I felt really sick. I laid my head down on the table and that was the last thing I remember. When I came to my mom was standing over me crying and calling for my dad and the nurse was taking a blood pressure cuff off. Apparently after I laid my head down my mom looked at my arm and it had turned gray. She then saw me go into convulsions and I passed out and fell onto their wood floor. (I'm so glad I don't remember that part!) When I came to I started throwing up. And here I'm thinking, okay, this is definitely a low point in my life. Laying on my parent's kitchen floor too sick to even lift my head and throw up in a dignified way! Oh, fun times.

The nurse finally got the iv in on the fifth attempt. I know people pass out sometimes when getting iv's, but I don't know that convulsions are normal or what caused that. I will be SO grateful when this stage of pregnancy is over!

Like a Bug

Laying in bed last night, I came to the disconcerting realization that every time I fall asleep I am most comfortable in the position of a bug hitting a windshield. Yeah, you read that right. I remember having a discussion about sleeping positions many years ago with my dear friend Amber. She knew somebody who always slept like a model. You know, hands folded under the cheek, pleasant smile on her face. Ha.

I'm most comfortable laying on my stomach with arms and legs splayed wherever and head twisted at an extreme angle. Poor Ethan. This is why we chose a king-size bed when we had to replace ours a few years ago. I'm sure I'm some chiropractor's dream right now, but he's gonna have to wait. No one is talking me out of my favorite sleeping position!

How about you? How do YOU fall asleep?

Wrong Number!

Thank you to everyone for being so kind and encouraging. I'm thinking there's a possibility that I may be back in the hospital later today, so I'm going to get a blog post in here while I can!

I'm wondering if any of you smart ladies out there have a bit of advice. We have had our current home phone number for six years now, yet we regularly get calls for someone named Candice Waldren. It's always collecters calling too. Grrr. This morning I explained again that there is NOT a Candice at this phone number and to please not call us again. We took caller id off a while back to save a little bit of money, so I never know who it's going to be.

Anyone know if there's a way to stop these calls?

Surprise!

This is why I haven't been posting very much lately!

We are almost eight weeks along. I was going to wait until the end of the first trimester but I have been SICK. Sick enough to spend four days in the hospital last week. I have something called hyperemesis gravidarum. I found this helpful website about it. Basically it means I can't eat or drink enough. I have horrible nausea and even the slightest smell makes me sick. I lost almost 10 lbs. in the last 2 weeks. I wish I could eat; definitely. They discharged me from the hospital because they couldn't do anything else. I'm just trying to drink enough to keep from having to go back and get an iv again. :(

But enough complaining. We're having a baby! Yay! We are so very ecstatic. I'm not scared because I know what happened to Isaac was very rare. It wasn't genetic; it was just a cord accident. I think being pregnant again has been very helpful to our healing process. I can't wait to hold our baby in March!

Book Review Friday

Adult Fiction

"Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers

So I'm not much of a girly-girl in the fact that I really don't like love stories. But this book is an exception. This is a retelling of the book of Hosea in the Bible, and it is powerful! When you read it, think of the love shown in this story of how God loves you personally, and you'll never view your relationship with Him the same way again.

Another good read or two by this same author is:

"And the Shofar Blew"
"Mark of the Lion" series (3 books)
"Atonement Child"

Book Review Friday

Adult Fiction

"At Home In Mitford" by Jan Karon

These books are quite popular so you may have already read one of more of them. This is the kind of book to read while you curl up in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate. It tells the story of life in a small town where mysteries and miracles happen. "At Home In Mitford" is the first book in a series of nine.

Book Review Friday

Adult Non-Fiction

"All Things Bright and Beautiful" by James Herriot

I have my parents to thank for finding and loving these great books. They urged me to read them when I was a teen and I just couldn't summon enough interest to get started; now they're a part of my library! Written by a veterinarian who chronicles the joys and sorrows of life with animals. There are four in the series; the other three are:

"All Creatures Great and Small"

"All Things Wise and Wonderful"

"The Lord God Made Them All"

Time Waster

While browsing recently I came across a fun website and wasted a good hour of my life. But it was fun. I highly recommend it. As you can see from the pictures below, my family is all over the place!

Still interested? To do this with your photos, go here. Oh, and let me know if you post some on your blog!

Book Review Friday

Adult Fiction

"The Note" by Angela Hunt

One of my favorite fictional books, it tells the story of a journalist who comes across a note after a wreckage of an airliner. She starts writing about the note to revive her failing newspaper column but gets more than she bargained for in the end. Warning: might make you cry!

Children

"Tear Soup" by Pat Schweibert

This family story book tells the recipe for healing after loss. I think the hospital gave it to us when Isaac died, and it was really good to read with the kids. The story centers around an old, wise woman and her "recipe".

Book Review Friday

So a friend recently asked me to review books on my blog, because I read with the zeal of a tent preacher. I don't know if these reviews will be helpful for anyone else, but here goes . . .
Adult Non-fiction

"Created to Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl

I have to start with this book because it has absolutely changed our marriage. The author writes about the role of wives in a marriage and why following Biblical principles will bring true joy. She includes letters from women who have overcome great odds in their marriages. Definitely a must-read for any married woman!

Children

"The Pigeon Wants a Puppy!" by Mo Willems

Silly story of a pigeon who really, really, REALLY wants a puppy. Others in the series include "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!" and "The Pigeon Has Feelings, Too!" Easy, quick read.

Before and After

Haven't blogged in a while thanks to this fun project . . .

Lots of sod. Six thousand square feet, to be exact.

Looking out the front door. I can't believe how green and perfect it is!

Here's the side yard that we had to leave open. We would have liked to have put the fence closer to the sidewalk but the CC and R's said no. We like the fire hydrant but I'm sure it's going to be a main attraction for all the neighborhood dogs.

Got the dresser finished. I guess these pictures don't show the paper up close enough but it has little crowns and sparkles all over it. The girls were ecstatic. :)

Other news?

* Some great neighbors had to move due to a job change and we are trying to help them find buyers for their house. It's over 2,700 sq. ft. and listed at $164,000, but they said they will be dropping the price very soon.

* Emmie looked up in the sky yesterday, squinted, and said, "I think I can see God's toes!" (Totally serious.)

* I made pizza meatloaf tonight and the kiddos loved it. They don't like regular meatloaf so much but they scarfed this down. Got the recipe here.

* A friend gave Ethan a road bike! He really wanted to do this benefit bike ride for kids with AIDS but we knew there was no way we could buy a bike. So we prayed about it and just asked God to provide one if it was His will. Our friend Eddie called last week because he had fixed a car for a friend who couldn't pay . . . but he gave Eddie a bike in trade. So Eddie gave it to Ethan. Very cool!

* Allie is done with Kindergarten and ready for first grade. I'm going to spend the next couple of months getting ready for longer and more challenging homeschool days. Should be an adventure!

Image of the Day

Enjoy a smile from God! :)

cha cha cha changes

Balancing life's demands as a wife and mommy and everything else isn't easy. I recently realized that I couldn't continue working at our church as the nursery director. I won't say the decision came as an effort of logical, well-thought out time. It was more of a crash and burn type of thing that knocked some sense into me. But at any rate, I am SO happy to just be doing the mom thing right now. I've always loved helping the young families at our church but it's been much more difficult since Isaac died. Seeing all the sweet little newborn babies and pretending like I was fine was starting to take a toll. It was only 12 hours a week, but it has made an amazing difference!




So what HAVE I been doing with the extra time?



* Cooking more. Tried making taquitos for the first time with pretty good results. I baked them so they would be healthier, but the crispness wasn't very consistent. Oh, well.

* We bought Ryan a special potty (or "yoddy", as he likes to call it). It may take a while, but now we are officially potty-training our youngest!

*Cleaning more. My kids have stopped asking me who's coming over now. It's nice to just clean for us. :)

* Mending. I have sewed a tail on a kitty-cat costume, patched up some torn pajamas, and worked on our bedspread that is ridiculously fragile.


* Paintings. Enough said.

My Music Research Study Experience

If someone asked you to listen to ninety minutes of music for $50.00, would you do it? I did.

Recently Air 1 offered $50.00 to the first fifty women ages 25 - 34 who signed up to participate in a music research study. I was thinking, I better bring some reading materials with me, because who actually sits and just LISTENS to music without doing something else? Not me. I'm always washing dishes or folding clothes or driving or . . . . something. So I brought a magazine, but it turned out that I didn't need it. We were given these little pager-type things with dials on them. We actually listed to 375 songs! It was crazy. We heard 7 to 12 seconds per song.

Apparently our city was the last one in a tour of five cities, and the results from our study would be given to Air 1 that night. (It was last Thursday.) The moderater told us we would probably start hearing some different music soon. I feel so powerful! (Just kidding.) Actually, the first time I turned on the radio after that they were playing this new song and it really sucked. :) Who knows what the results were. I think the woman sitting next to me cancelled me out anyway, because our reactions to the songs always seemed to be opposite.

If only I could do this once a week; what an easy way to earn some bucks!

Projects and a Hobby

I have to brag on my girl for a sec. Allison stole my camera from me at the park the other day and took these beautiful pictures. Didn't she do a great job? I think it's time for her to get her own camera . . .

I've been working on a few projects lately. Haven't quite ever learned to do ONE project at a time; it always seems to be several. Keeps things nice and crazy that way.

Ryan thinks it's so much fun to go inside that thing. I don't know why we buy toys for our kids when all they really want to play with is whatever mom's working on. :)

Allie wants me to paint the drawers purple. (They share a room and Emmie's choice for the room was pink; Allie's was purple.) Just today I saw in a craft email a dresser that was done with scrapbooking paper on the drawers. Seems like a lot of work. If you are new to reading my blog you will quickly see that I avoid things that are complicated or take very long!

Oh, the Horror

I talked my poor brother into going with me and three kids to Walmart the other day. Notice I didn't say MY three kids, just three kids. In a flash of brilliance I decided to swap Allie with one of Emmie's little friends while we went to the store so both girls spend time with their buddies. So . . .

Let's call Emmie's friend, oh, I don't know. How about Jane? So once inside Walmart Emmie and "Jane" are giggling and running away from the cart constantly. Now I KNOW "Jane's" mom is always right on top of her kids with training and everything, and I know her daughter was just taking advantage of the situation of not having mom there. But I was still a little surprised because I've never had ANY trouble with "Jane" in the past. I tell Emmie's friend that she can call Jared "Uncle Jared" if she wants, but she settles on calling him "Mister". It's pretty cute when she asks him "What kind of cereal do you like, Mister?" and so on. Fast forward to check-out, forty-five minutes later.

The girls decide to help bag groceries. I'm already completely at my wit's end after trying to herd two 4-year-old girls and a busy 2-year-old boy. I can literally feel the steam coming off the checker as she tries to work around four little roving hands. My brother graciously offers to take the kids a few feet away and distract them. (Thank you Jared!) So I finish up paying and start heading to Jared and the kids, only now I can see a horrified look on his face. "Jane" had taken off once more, and she was FAST. Since I didn't see which way she went it was up to Jared to go after her.

He luckily caught up to her before she made it any further than the women's clothing, but when he said, "C'mon, you need to come with me," she belted out, "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU, MISTER!"

Yeah.

There were a couple of older women standing nearby who looked at him like they were about ready to call security. Poor Jared. He said he never knew what it was like to feel like a child molester until that moment. I happened to catch up with him then and was wondering what the miserable look on his face was all about and why he was standing next to "Jane" but not bringing her back to us. We made it out of the store without any trouble, but I'm sure gonna think twice before I go back!

Ziplock Omelets

This looks like a fun and easy way to cook for a crowd. A friend emailed this to me and I think I'm going to try it soon!

Have guests write their name on a quart-size Ziploc freezer bag with permanent marker. Crack 2 eggs (large or extra-large) into the bag. Shake to combine them. Put out a variety of ingredients such as: cheeses, ham, onion, green pepper, tomato, hash browns, salsa, etc. Each guest adds prepared ingredients of choice to their bag and shake. Make sure to get the air out of the bag and zip it up. Place the bags into rolling, boiling water for exactly 13 minutes. You can usually cook 6-8 omelets in a large pot. Open the bags and the omelet will roll out easily. Be prepared for everyone to be amazed. Nice to serve with fresh fruit and coffee cake; everyone gets involved in the process and a great conversation piece.

If someone has made this and has any thoughts about it, let me know! :)

Spring is hoppin'

Wow, it's been busy around here. I'm sure everyone is in the same boat right now.

For starters, in the month of March both my grandpa AND my grandma passed away. (Mom's dad and Dad's mom). Both deaths were somewhat expected but still difficult, of course. Another sad event that took us completely by surprise was the death of our dog Taylor. She has been living with my parents for the past four years but we got her the day after we were married, so she had always been really special to us. She had been slowing down a lot but it was such a shock when the vet told my parents she had cancer. Three days later she was gone. So . . . I'm happy that April seems to be looking up.

Feel like making a few extra bucks looking at ads? I have been using this company called YouData to make about $5 a week. It's not much, but every little bit counts, right? You basically get paid to look at a websites for just a couple of seconds each. The longest part of the whole process was just getting started, but now it doesn't take me any time at all. If you're interested, you can get started by going HERE.

A few girlfriends have mentioned having another clothing swap party soon so I think we better plan it. I just met a gal who teaches couponing classes and I'm thinking of inviting her to come out on the same night. It will be like a recession party . . . we'll get to learn how to save money on groceries AND come home with a bunch of new clothes and accessories. Who can complain about that? (Oh, yeah, maybe our husbands who will be stuck with the kids all night! But it's for a good cause, right?)

Perfect Spot

We finally have pictures of my library with the shelves we got from IKEA back in February. It was my birthday present. :) Now I just need to find time to relax here!

Flunking Homemaking

Today we tried a new recipe from a book I've had since Christmas '07. I thought since my kids love chicken nuggets they would love homemade ones even better! WRONG-O. There's something about putting spinach in the coating that freaked them out. (Who woulda thought?!)

We went to the Home and Garden show this weekend. Saw a lot of plants. Now feeling totally inadequate. This is what our entire yard looks like right now.

Now THIS is more like what I'm planning. By the end of next month.

I can dream, can't I? Seriously, I am just going to be so happy to see grass. We are waiting to hear back about our fence from the company that regulates everything from the neighborhood covenants . The covenants state that our fence has to be twenty feet back from the sidewalk (we're on a corner) and that leaves us with just a measly five feet of side yard. We need that space! Where else is our pool gonna go? :)

Learning Resilience

You know, it's been seven months since he died. I can't believe it. Lately I've been trying to figure out why some people bounce back after tragedy and others don't. I think it is a matter of perspective. I read a really wonderful book shortly after we lost Isaac that asked the question, "Why not me?" It's natural to wonder "Why me?" I have to admit, even though from the moment we were told he was gone I knew it was all a part of God's plan, there have been times when I wondered why I was the one to lose a baby. I mean, I get SICK when I'm pregnant. This last time was really tough especially. So even though I try not to think about it, sometimes it makes me wonder why I would go through such horrible morning (all day) sickness and exhaustion for . . . nothing. But I can't really say it was nothing. Because I would do it again just to have that time with my little boy.

I remember when the nurse brought Isaac in for us to say goodbye to him. We had stayed up with him for a couple of hours past the birth but tried to sleep until morning, although it was extremely difficult. When she brought him in that morning she warned us that he would be cold, because he had been in the cooler. Even now as I write that it sounds strange. And I remember when she took him away she covered his face. It REALLY bothered me to see his face covered because it was so unnatural. I wanted to call out, "Wait! Take the blanket off so he can breathe!" but I stayed silent.

Even though we still hurt every day, and sometimes the littlest things will bring on a wave of pain, I am done asking why. I will remember to ask why not, because I'm no different or better than anyone else in this world who has suffered. And the truth is, I didn't deserve to lose my son, but I also don't deserve the gift of God's grace; the gift of eternal life. That's worth thinking about.

Catching Up

The girls making little pots out of bread dough.

Ryan's first time painting with a brush. He loved it until he tried painting the inside of his mouth!

A little sneak peek of a commissioned painting. The owner hasn't seen it yet so I won't show the whole thing.

Speaking of painting, Ethan has been urging me to go this art conference in May. I would really like to go, but it's in Ashland, Oregon, and that's quite a ways to drive alone. Does anyone else want to get away for a few days?