Learning Resilience

You know, it's been seven months since he died. I can't believe it. Lately I've been trying to figure out why some people bounce back after tragedy and others don't. I think it is a matter of perspective. I read a really wonderful book shortly after we lost Isaac that asked the question, "Why not me?" It's natural to wonder "Why me?" I have to admit, even though from the moment we were told he was gone I knew it was all a part of God's plan, there have been times when I wondered why I was the one to lose a baby. I mean, I get SICK when I'm pregnant. This last time was really tough especially. So even though I try not to think about it, sometimes it makes me wonder why I would go through such horrible morning (all day) sickness and exhaustion for . . . nothing. But I can't really say it was nothing. Because I would do it again just to have that time with my little boy.

I remember when the nurse brought Isaac in for us to say goodbye to him. We had stayed up with him for a couple of hours past the birth but tried to sleep until morning, although it was extremely difficult. When she brought him in that morning she warned us that he would be cold, because he had been in the cooler. Even now as I write that it sounds strange. And I remember when she took him away she covered his face. It REALLY bothered me to see his face covered because it was so unnatural. I wanted to call out, "Wait! Take the blanket off so he can breathe!" but I stayed silent.

Even though we still hurt every day, and sometimes the littlest things will bring on a wave of pain, I am done asking why. I will remember to ask why not, because I'm no different or better than anyone else in this world who has suffered. And the truth is, I didn't deserve to lose my son, but I also don't deserve the gift of God's grace; the gift of eternal life. That's worth thinking about.