This blog post has been on my heart for a long time. I've struggled with the decision to write it, but feel that it's too important to stay quiet.
Several weeks ago our family made the difficult decision to leave our church. I've only attended and have been the member of two churches in my life; the one I grew up in and the one I found after moving away for college. This was the church where I met my husband, where our babies were dedicated, and where new aquaintences became family for life.
Since we left, Sunday mornings have been a mix of hope and discouragement. We've attended several churches throughout the valley. The girls usually jump right in with the other kids their age, no problem. But when we try to drop Bubba off, it's another story. Usually he won't let go of us. We've taken him into the main sanctuary before but he makes strange noises and the looks we get tell us it's not acceptable. When we attempt to drop him at the classroom, we make sure to inform the teacher that he's autistic and explain a little bit of what that means. Sadly, the most common response is the "deer in the headlights" expression. You can tell they absolutely do NOT want him in there.
Today we happened to arrive at a church on the day of their Christmas program. We took Bubba and the girls to the sanctuary first. He was holding still but making a continuous sound like he was clearing his throat. After some obvious looks our direction, I took him out to try the children's ministry. After struggling to hold him while typing our information into the check-in center, a man told us that the kids would be going up on stage and that our son needed to stay with us. I understood, but wasn't quite sure what to do next. So I settled for taking him into the foyer and sitting on the couch. I tried to keep him busy with songs and stories. After a few minutes Ethan came out to check on us and we switched places. While I was in the sanctuary, Ryan pulled a Christmas ornament off the tree and it bounced across the room, but that was the worst that happened. I went out spell Ethan for a few minutes. By this time Bubs was getting pretty antsy. He started alternately rolling on the couch and running around the small area. I thought about taking him outside but our coats were in the sanctuary. A couple of ladies sat down to talk in the same area and gave us encouraging smiles. They seemed nice, but I felt completely humiliated when one of them leaned over to Bubba and said (in a syrupy sweet voice), "We don't run in church!" Seriously. I was trying my hardest to keep him well-behaved, but he is five! He was actually doing a good job, considering.
I know this church we visited is a great church. In fact, all of the churches we have visited have been great churches. But I'm starting to feel like the unwanted family! I feel that this needs to be said: if we were going to church for my first time, we would NEVER return. Parents of children with special needs must feel that they are welcome! If you are in the ministry in any capacity, do you know there are families like us out there? Would they come back to your church after one visit?
As a side note, the church we have left was fantastic with our little boy. (Not the reason we left.) One of the best ways they helped us was just by asking how they could do better; what we needed. I will always love those people for the love they showed all of our kids. Thank you!
Please know that we have not harbored bitterness in our hearts towards any one person or church. We understand the place those people are coming from. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that once I was one of them. I didn't really know (or particularly care) how to help those children or families. I didn't look past their "church face" to see their hurting hearts, and I'm ashamed of that. But now that we are on the other side I feel that it's important that someone advocate for those families. It's hard to take your family anywhere when you have a child with special needs. But the place you should never have to feel unwelcome is in God's house.
7 comments:
Kimberly, are there any churches in the Treasure Valley with a ministry to special needs children? As I think through what it will mean for us to have a child with Down Syndrome, I've become aware of several churches here in our area that have specific ministries to assist families like yours (and ours.) Here's one that is a bit too far from us to consider, but I know friends who work with this ministry and am hoping to find something closer to our home. I know it doesn't help you because it's so far away, but it's something to look for in churches in the Boise area. http://atgrace.com/barnabas-disability-ministry
Wow. I just wrote about taking our son to a church function on our blog and the difficulty it brings. I write these things and wonder if anyone else feels the same. Thank you for your bravery in sharing. I hope you can find a place where you and your sweet boy feel comfortable and accepted.
Keep looking. We have a large church that visitors check out quite often. Sometimes they don't understand all the "rules" about church but we give them some adjustment time. If a church is not welcoming of you or your son, you need to move on. Many churches will be very accepting of special needs children. We have a special education class at our church. I wish you could come here!
Kimberly, I really feel for your situation. It breaks my heart at how unwelcoming brothers and sisters in Christ can be- they should be the most welcoming! In September we started going to The Well and have had difficulties with Caden. Typically the kids don't go into their classes until after announcements and a couple songs. Caden can't sit still that long, so we let him run around in the back- which is fine because even though it is a small church there are a lot of children running around and making noises all throughout the service. They do not have a big children's ministry, but there is one. The problem there is that Caden does not want to be there without us and will cry until he makes himself throw up, so Garrett and I have been rotating going in there with him. I know that things will get better and I am very grateful that we haven't received any judging looks or comments when he is running around and screaming/crying! :)Just keep trying and I know you will find a place that is perfect for you- but I know how tiring the entire process can be.
Hi Kimberly,
I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. As the pastor of a little church in Boise, it breaks my heart whenever I hear that any church (ours or another) isn't as loving or supportive as it should be. The problem with all churches, of course, is that they are made up of people--much of the time people who should know better, but people who still make mistakes and give into the old nature instead of the new one.
Christian Life fellowship is a very small church. We average between 40-60 people. Two of our families have a special needs kid. And while I am sure there are a few folks who would prefer the service was a bit quieter, the vast majority are just glad that we have families who love Jesus and want their kids to grow up to love Him, too.
I would like to invite you to come visit us some time. I won't promise we'll be the best church ever at understanding how to deal with an autistic child. We don't have any special targeted ministries in that regard, just some folks who love kids and volunteer to help with them. I will promise you that you will be welcome and warmly greeted, and that I will do everything in my power to see that you are supported and accommodated in whatever way is necessary for you to engage in life with the Body of Christ.
You can learn more about CLF at our website: www.clfboise.com. Have a look around the site, check out our statement of faith and vision statement to see if they are in line with what your family believes. Maybe listen to a sermon or radio podcast to get a feel for my teaching style and content. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to email me via the contact page on the site. If you would like, I would also be more than happy to meet with you and your husband over lunch or coffee (I'll buy!), or at your home, if that is better for you, to answer any questions and to pray with you. Just say the word.
Whether you decide to come visit us or not, I will be praying for you to find a church home where your WHOLE family is loved, accepted, and appreciated, and where you can have a life-transforming encounter with God!
In HIM,
Scott
It's good for people to hear and read posts like yours. I'm glad you spoke up and I pray that God brings personal blessings to your family and your sweet kiddos through this.
Kimberly...so glad you wrote this. And I'll be praying that you will feel welcome wherever you are...especially God's house. Sometimes, ignorance is just that...and do you suppose when they get to know your amazing family, and understand all the intricacies involved, they will know better what to do? That is my prayer. I loved your attitude as you wrote this...humble, yet an advocate for your sweet son!!!
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