Good News For a Change

This morning my dear daughter Allie made my day when she started sharing about how she wanted Jesus to be her best friend and that she knew how Jesus lived in people's hearts. I asked her if she wanted to pray with me to ask Jesus into her heart and she said, "I already did at bedtime last night".

What an amazing joy it is to hear that! She had this huge grin on her face and wanted to know if we could tell Daddy. So of course we did.

Another wonderful thing happened today when I finally decided to call the midwife to finally discuss the balance on our bill. I didn't know what she would charge us since we didn't have the baby there at the birthing center. (We had only paid $300 on our bill so far.) Anyway, they decided to dismiss the REST of our bill because they feel it's part of their ministry. What a huge blessing!

It was nice to see some sunshine peeking through the clouds. :)

Life

I don't get it. It has been three and a half weeks since Isaac died, and so far I had been doing a little better each day. Then Ethan went out of town for work and . . . I don't know what happened. I just felt paralyzed by grief. And then as life would have it, the kids just added to the fun. A small example of what was going on . . . Allie got sick in the night and threw up all over her bed and the floor. When I was upstairs cleaning it up in the morning, Ryan somehow broke my favorite vase and was sitting and playing in the broken glass when I found him. He had cuts on his hands and knees but thankfully nowhere else.

Lots of people have said that I am so "strong" in the past couple of weeks. I'm not feeling all that strong right now. I feel like giving up and letting the mess around the house, the stupidly high medical bills, and the daily frustrations win.

For My Ikea People

You have to love that.

Tonight Awana starts and my Emmie is going to be a cubbie. When did she get so big? Allie is going to be a spark this year. Both girls are extremely excited.

The last week has been a little bit easier as far as grieving is concerned. At a moms group I went to Monday night I almost felt like leaving because there were so many little nursing babies there. And then yesterday I was looking for something in the garage and came across a box labeled "baby boy clothing". I was thinking about whether or not we should even hold on to Ryan's old boy stuff. We cleaned all of our baby girl stuff out as soon as we found out that we were having a boy. I don't know. I guess the best thing to do is not make any decisions right now.

Happy Anniversary

Eight years ago today I married my best friend. What a crazy journey it has been! I don't even think we knew what love meant back then, but that has changed.

Today is bittersweet. I'm so happy to be celebrating another anniversary, but I can't help but think about Isaac being two weeks old today. I put on a bracelet this morning that Ethan and the kids got for me for Mother's Day this year. It had four bracelets that went together, and as they explained, there was one each for Allie, Emmie, Ryan, and the new baby. Not too long ago one of the bracelets broke and I didn't wear it for a while. When Allie saw it on me this morning she said, "Oh, yeah, mom. I remember that one of those broke and is gone. Now Isaac is gone too." She said it in a matter-of-fact way, but I could tell she was also sad.

A lot of people have asked me how the kids are doing; how they handled the news. The answer? I'm not sure I really know. The girls started talking in baby voices for a while but seem to be over that. Ryan got really clingy. Emmie seemed the least affected for a while, but she cried about her baby brother yesterday. She patted my stomach and asked "baby Isaac?". When I told her that he wasn't there anymore, she just burst into tears. She was okay after cuddling for a few minutes. It's so strange to see how grief affects the members of our family differently.

I'm not sure how we'll "celebrate" tonight. Probably just dinner out. We had this great plan to go to the waterpark, but I don't think the weather is going to allow it. It seemed like a good idea when it was hot. :)

Memorial Service

Today was the memorial service for our little one. I really feel blessed to have gotten through it okay. (Not that it was easy.)

Yesterday we had the graveside service and it was very different than I thought it would be. It was just our close family members. I don't know why, but I couldn't cry. I kind of felt like there was something wrong with me. What mom wouldn't be sobbing? But I just felt so numb. Plus it was weird to be laying our baby to rest when the sun was shining and everything else felt so . . . alive.

I have been meaning to thank everyone who has left a comment on the recent posts. It is really comforting to go back and read them. Even people who I don't know who have left comments; it's so nice to hear from you.

We've made it through one more day.

Isn't He Sweet?

I hope this picture doesn't bother anyone. I just wanted to share one of the pictures of Isaac. Shortly after we learned he had passed away we were told that there is a photographer locally who takes pictures of stillborn babies as a ministry. She came right after he was born to capture some precious memories for us. I am SO very grateful to have this.

Fresh Grief

Today Ethan and I went to the funeral home to settle some details. I am so grateful we didn't have to pick out a casket. They just showed us a picture of what it would look like. It's white and really soft inside. Not something I ever thought I would need to look at.

We also went to the cemetary we chose and found a spot for Isaac to be buried. There is a whole section called "Baby Land". How sad is that? But there actually aren't many spots taken, thankfully.

At the funeral home we talked about writing the obituary, what to do for a grave marker, what his memorial service would look like, etc. I didn't know there would be so much to decide.

We have been so surrounded by people that by the end of the day I realize I haven't let myself go. It's not that I'm trying to avoid thinking about it; it's just the reality of being surrounded by people. Now when I'm alone is when I fall apart. I hold the blanket we held him in and just sob. I wonder how long this will go on?